Wow - weeks and weeks have gone by and yet the cycle has returned and I am once again sitting up in bed with tea and toast and reading matter all around me. As if nothing has changed. Yesterday I finished a reading marathon - a 750 page book 'Breaking Dawn' started last Thursday - the last of 4 books by Stephenie Meyer (don't get them out unless you can cope with the idea of vampires!). Helen and I have greatly anticipated this last one, and now it's over. What a great story it was too!
But just a story.
I've reverted to that Jeffries gene I jokingly call it, that Helen and I both have - reading non-stop, or movies, or anything to take us to another place (cheaply). A better place, where there's adventure, action, beauty and above all, romance.
I'm sure I do this because there's not enough happening LIKE THAT in my life right now. I like my jobs, I like being single, I like being in the church in the neighbourhood, but somehow the WOW factor is missing, and I'm not convinced it exists elsewhere except in stories (movies, books, dreams). If I had more money, I'd travel - even then I can already imagine what I'd see and do and the return to this life afterwards, and then what?
I know the WOW factor is the Lord. Given the nature of who He is, what He has done and is doing, the greatness and immeasurability of his heart, the intensity of his devotion and selflessness, I can understand (with the feeble grasp my own mind has) that what I long for (in my escaping) is Him. I know I'm going about it the wrong way.
I guess - subconsciously - I want all the THRILL without it costing me anything.
This life I've sorted out so comfortably around me, so that I am kept busy and able to pay my rent, and have time to socialize or escape. This life I am so familiar with; what if, in gaining more of Him, I lose that. Or worse, I lose more than that?
Just writing about that now, I realise that I've probably been more afraid of that than I know. It's easier to deal with that which I can control to an extent than to cast myself headfirst into the real story, as told by the real storyteller.
But wait - didn't I already do that? I remember a number of times in my life when I've been willingly tossed out of my boat and into the great unknown of His will. I thought you only did it once, but see, I've crawled back up on to the rocks and find myself in a home here, listening to stories again.
It's not good enough.
It's not enough.
In His great mercy, I can see He's let me find my comfort zone again, but now that my dreams, my escapes are starting to be what I look forward to, I wonder if it's not time to cast myself upon the waters once more.
To quote the words from one of our songs:
'Each day my heart sails further from the shore'.
I'm surrounded here on this bed, by books to help me do just that: 'The Spiritual Guide' by Michael Molinos, 'The Seeking Heart' by Fenelon, 'Spiritual Torrents' by Jeanne Guyon.
Ah, and there it is, on the preface of MM's book: "A great deal of suffering awaits us if we follow the Lord as we should".
That's probably the nub of my fear revealed - I so much WANT the Lord, but the cost will ever be suffering of some sort. You know, I listen to the rain falling outside, from this vantage point of my bed with books strewn all around me and I KNOW the reward has always far outweighed that which I fear. It always has. So here goes:
"Lord, I want to know more of you."
And I'm copying this all over into in my blog so that I have some truly unseen witnesses (along with the other unseen witnesses) to this fresh - surrender - of mine. I'll try and keep a true record of my days as they unfold. . . so help me, God.
5 comments:
Wow. You're half a world away and you couldn't be echoing my sentiments more.
In the past two years I've had to put myself in a position where I know I can be judged - but my conscious wouldn't let me do otherwise. And THAT is the worst. Because people are so quick to judge. But this aspect of the Lord's discipline in my life is just another adventure - and on in which I've learned that I can't judge a person or a group of people according to mistakes in the past. At any rate, going through these things does make you fear, doesn't it? But you've encouraged me because you're right. First, it has ALWAYS been worth it. Secondly, why settle down and get sucked into the meaningless comforts of the world? It just makes me depressed in the long run.
Okay, I'm writing WAY to much. Just see it as a sign that I'm very encouraged!
Just one last thing - I'll be praying that your heart is open and ready for whatever is in store!
Love ya, sister....
Wow, thank you Nikki - sometimes hard to 'put it out there' but if it encouraged you then it was worth it. Thanks - appreciate your comments and your prayers and I'm doing the same back as I consider the leap into the unknown you're taking going to UK. . .
If it is comfort to you jen, I feel and hear the same things. I reach out to grab a bit of OTHERNESS in the realm of this world and it dosen't satisfy me. I miss the Wow that is the Lord and remember with joy the times when he has been so alive to me in me. Then I experience a kind of death and I resist! I look to Ev to be the adorable one who will make eveything wonderful. When he fails, I run to the movies or dig in to read, read, read. I decide that I need to audition for a play or volunteer at the hospital. I want to feel happy and satisfied and wish to busy myself with myself. It never works and I seem to be slow on the uptake. Go my sister to the mountain with me and climb to the heights! We are one in him! Thank you for reminding me.
*sigh*
I'm with you here.
Post a Comment