Through the briar patch in the night. . .

the saga continues. . .
A week has gone by, and I really am grateful that some kind of corner (out of the never-ending cycle) was turned. Please forgive my propensity for mixing metaphors. . . it just gets hard to put some experiences into words, and the pictorial variety suit me even if they get confused.
The latter end of this week becoming darker and heavier, although I did not stop to turn to the Lord whenever I felt him come to mind. And I knew that was fine. On two separate occasions a very awkward situation arose and in both I've had to remember to call on Him and let go of my increasing panic. I think because of the earlier well-trod path, it was easier to do so. In both instances these were clients of mine, which adds a deeper feeling of panic because my business rests upon good working relationships. One was a client from some time ago, who will not respond to my emails, (which are particularly non-threatening), and so we cannot resolve it. She turned up at the Women in business out West evening last Thursday, and spent the time avoiding me, despite my endeavor to relieve her of any fear she might have. She entered into a one-on-one with another person and didn't emerge from that until I had to leave at the end of the evening. And the other client is one who has lost a few artists/printers before me, and swings wildly from one extreme to another so that you are never sure where you stand with her. Disturbing though it is to me (and it IS disturbing) it is no mistake that these situations have occurred at the end of a week of endeavoring to find the reality of Christ in my inner parts and walking with him there.
So, I take encouragement from that fact. It all seems perfectly designed to teach me how to let go and find that place within. Learning to ask Him what His will is in this situation, and being able to tuck it aside and with my whole heart look at Him again and just love Him.
There are certainly lessons here: from facing losing to someone else at the shallowest level (and truly, what does it matter to lose either money or face), through to finding out how to lay something unjust down (joining other bags of injustice heaped up here on the mercy seat!) through to clearing my heart and mind of fears and perturbations in order to be free to love Him without distraction. And without the emotional highs to correspond with that. I feel very much like there is as much 'going on' in this endeavor as there ever was.
Reading this mornig in Molinos: "Do not try to look for some emotion, or even tender devotion, toward your Lord. Only express your desire to do His will and to be His pleasure. Otherwise you will simply go in circles throughout your life and not take even one step toward the inward goal."
On another angle, I have tried with some success, to include Him more in my decisions and choices. A small step toward 'doing His will'. I know that in general just loving him, and living (breathing in and out, eating, BEING a Christian) is to be in His will. But something in me yearns to converse more constantly with Him, to know my everyday choices are specifically in His will, to be able to be less driven and more at ease with time. I know some people have found this to be something real and true, and I would love to be part of their number. . . not for my sake but because He deserves it.
A couple of times yesterday I did just that - either went somewhere, or stopped going somewhere, because I felt He willed it. And they turned out good choices (surprise!).
And despite being willing enough, myself, to see a movie or read a book, in both instances that fell through, and I was rather amused and pleased that it had. No distracting stories for the time being then. Let's press on. . .